September 22nd, 2021
Spokane, WA

The Army is big on traditions. Some of them, like saluting, standing at attention facing the flag during retreat, and rendering the greeting of the day (e.g., “Good morning, Ma’am.”) are formal. Others less so.

Some of the most beloved, and not strictly limited to the Army, revolve around being a short timer.

Whether coming up on reassignment to another post, return from overseas, or nearing the time you will get out of the Army, being a short-timer has a long history of tradition. Very close friends are made in the military and it can be bittersweet to say goodbye, but it also means new adventures and new friends elsewhere.

And there are the short jokes. So many. Here are but a few:

“I’m so short I have to look up to look down.”

“I’m so short if I sat on a nickel, my feet wouldn’t touch the ground.”

And, my all-time personal favorite:

“I’m so short a snake’s fart would blow dust in my face.”

And everyone is happy to get involved. In June of 1984 I was on active duty and scheduled to return from Germany after two years service there. After several weeks of drinking late into the night, a friend drove me to Frankfurt (Rhein Main Air Force Base) the afternoon before an early morning flight back. He dropped me off with some Air Force friends of his who I had never met. The let me stay in their barracks room and, perforce, took me out drinking.

The best kind of short, however, is prior to getting out of the service altogether. You start at 99 days out by proclaiming yourself Short! Others scoff and say you aren’t really that short yet, but you persist, mentioning your short status at every opportunity.

Finally, with just 9 days left, you become a “Single Digit Midget.” Your status is then irrefutable. Nobody denies the shortness of an SDM. You don’t really have any job-related duties at this point. You spend your days out-processing your unit and the installation where you are assigned, shipping personal belongings, and partying with friends. Each day you report your status to anyone who will listen, counting down the days. “Nine days and a wakeup!”, etc.

And so, on this day when I am exactly 99 days from retirement from the U.S. Army Reserves, I announce to all that I am Short!